i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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