Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize