I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
