At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
