what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
