I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
