hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
