I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
