I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
