no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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