She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
