i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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