Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
