she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
