I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
