despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
