so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
