oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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