hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
