I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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