Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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