Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
