He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off