My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.