I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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