Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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