did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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