Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
