I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
