Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
