I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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