The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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