i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
