i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
