I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am available for nakedness
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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