Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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