is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
