I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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