Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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