Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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