even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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