evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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