my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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