Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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