I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
