Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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