Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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