I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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