I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
