filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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