Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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