Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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