Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
