it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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