So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
